Monday, 9 April 2012

Winter is only on our door step but its hitting me hard already.

Winter is only on  our door step but its hitting me hard already.
For the last few days I woke up with a stiff and painful body almost every day. I’m Feeling tired and emotionally drained. Algamdoelilaah Shukr to The Almighty I’m at home so I don’t have to force myself out of bed. Sometimes I wish it can all just be a nightmare but it’s not and I have to deal with it. With all this pain and many negative emotions I feel like giving up this fight with lupus. But I try hard not to give in to these negative thoughts. To others it looks like nothing is wrong but inside I’m dying little by little. If they can only know the pain and agony I go through. I don’t know if the physical or emotional pain is worse. Sometimes I feel like I’m falling deeper in a hole and see no light at the end of the tunnel .I feels like my concentration and memory is also giving up on me. I feel like a prisoner in my own body. I try not to think about the pain of tomorrow but try to live just for today. Will I manage, will I cope. Family and friends look at me but they don’t really see what’s behind the smile.
I hate what I’m going through the pain, fatigue, memory lapses, depression and frustration.
But Allah Swt /God knows best